Understanding the Psychological Effects of Child Sexual Abuse
87
The Power of Words
As far back as I can remember, words have always scared me. I was terrified of words. Not only did words scare me, I could not comprehend the implied meaning. I would read and re-read the same paragraph over and over again; trying so desperately to understand the meaning of each word or follow what was happening in a story.
Compounding the issue of comprehension, I couldn’t remember what I had read two minutes ago. So between not understanding the meaning of the written word, nor having the ability to retain what I had just read, I must say that learning was a nightmare. Did I have a learning disability? Possibly, I’ll never know.
As a child, (in my mind) I believed I was mentally retarded. I hid this and my other secret from the rest of the world. I never told a single soul until I was 31 years old.
So what did I understand? Well, for starters I understood very clearly the meaning of the word secret. I don’t ever recall being told not to tell anyone; but my intuition or should I say my protective instincts were always on guard and guided me to do whatever I perceived was necessary in order to survive. As denoted in one of my poems.
There is a game called censorship that lives within my head; the rules are quite intrinsic,to survive or be found dead.
Inner Guide
Intuitively I always knew what to do; what not to do; what to say and what to not say.
Excerpt from the book: Incest Survivors by E. Sue Bloom - “Well known, Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, known for her work on death and dying, describes this heightened spiritual strength of the otherwise damaged, ill, or deprived child I have seen this strength over and over again, in the existence of an “inner guide” in many incest survivors.”
I Felt Crazy!
There were no words to describe or express what was happening in my world. I could not relate to the English language as it did not apply to my world and my life. Crazy was about the only word that made any sense to me. I felt crazy.
Imagine being told, “It’s time for a “nap” and not wanting to go, first of all I believed I was too old for naps. Secondly, although there were no words to describe it; at the very least, the idea of it left me feeling sick. Knowing full well that there was no "saying no," I simply did as I was told. After mentally escaping the “nap” scene, through what we now know as the phenomenon of dissociation, I struggled to come back. With my father asleep and his arm draped over me, I had to be careful to not wake him up or all hell would have broken loose. I would slowly wriggle myself free from underneath the dead weight of his arm. I would stand up slowly, on my tip toes, placing one foot in front of the other; I would choose each step with precision in an effort not to squeak the floor boards. On one particular day my sister greeted me at the bottom of the stairs and proclaimed, “He would never hurt you because you’re special.”(Trust me, the word special has never sat well with me to this day). I would proceed to the bathroom, crouch down, huddled in the corner, overwhelmed with feelings for which I had no name. I remember hearing supper was ready. Panicking, I would quickly wash and powder my face so that no one would notice that I had been crying. I would then walk out as though everything was fine. Is it any wonder that crazy was the one word that made perfect sense to me? I knew crazy!!
Word Associations and Mixed Messages
Comprehension was beyond my reach. Words were painful; words had different associations, therefore, they had different meanings. Words like safe, trust, love, self esteem were far beyond my comprehension. They were non-existent; in other words there was no real experience in my life to which I could relate these words. The implied meanings of the words had different associations or twisted meanings so to speak.
Touch was another one of those words that messed with me. The implied meaning as I know it today is to show affection. Today after many years of therapy I now know the difference between safe touch and bad touch. But in my world as a child of sexual abuse, it was distorted and had one meaning: to hurt. It was scary and confusing. It always made me feel sick, dirty and filled with shame. My immediate reaction to someone touching me was always to pull away, even as a young adult prior to my recovery.
In my poetry I mention the
different associations of words like these two lines from my poem, "Once Upon A Time."
Love meant to despise. There was no love only despise. An illusion of beauty a beast in disguise.
The problem is, when someone who is supposed to love you and protect you, hurts and abuses you in the name of love. Love is no longer love; trust is no longer trust; both have been distorted and shattered. Innocence has been stolen. The caretaker has violated the child by putting his/her needs ahead of the child.
Psychological After Effects
What the child survivor may learn is rhetorical;
unconscious messages that will
continue to play out till the day he/she dies unless there is intervention or
help is sought.
What’s mine is
yours. She has no self. There are no boundaries. She is just an extension of the person who is
abusing her. She is not worthy of being loved.
She is taught she has no say. No
rights. No feelings. Due to her size
and the relationship with the caretaker/abuser she learns that she has no
power.
Not to mention the host of after effects and psychological disorders that sexual
abuse survivors may encounter as a result of the abuse and/or pushing things
down for so many years.
To name a few: fear of abandonment, boundary issues, fear of being alone, guilt shame, low
self esteem, feeling worthless, feeling powerless, knowing and doing what the
other person wants or needs, anger issues, inability to recognize or express
feelings, depression, dissociation,
dissociative disorders, post traumatic stress disorder etc. The list is endless.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Like so many war veterans, the horror often isn't felt until many years later.
So many times when you least expect it, memories seem to surface out of nowhere, more commonly known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. The events are re-experienced through intrusive memories, nightmares, flashbacks, hallucinations etc.
A sudden sight, sound or smell that symbolizes or resembles the trauma can trigger a flashback. Resulting in sending you immediately back to the original trauma and reliving the experience in the moment.
One of my triggers that comes to my mind was the sound of banging pans; it transported me back in time immediately. (A couple of times I was abused when my sister was preparing supper in the kitchen. My father worked shift work and I always had to take a “nap” with him).
Therefore, the sound of banging pans became just one of my many different triggers. It would provoke an edge of terror that would expose every raw nerve in my body. I would suddenly feel very small like a child. Many times I would just freeze; there was no voice. I felt as though I could not breathe. I would just be in shock, until it was over.
Another very simple trigger was putting on a seat belt. How quickly, the seat belt across my chest became my father’s arm draped across my body. I immediately felt trapped and the flashbacks would start. After the abuse, I would find myself trying to weasel my way out from underneath my father’s arm in an effort to sneak out without waking him. He was a big man and getting out from under his arm was not an easy task for a small child.
Later in my recovery as an adult, I learned the art of getting grounded; calming myself down through self talk and reassuring myself that it was not happening today. Today I was an adult and was safe. It was no longer happening to me.
Other symptoms related to PTSD are insomnia, irritability, anger, poor concentration, hyper vigilance and exaggerated responses. It’s as if you are short circuited; the fight and flight response is ready to kick in with the slightest unexpected noise.
Individuals may feel depressed, detached; estranged, anger, guilt, intense anxiety, panic, etc. They often feel they have little in common with friends and family. They have difficulty relating to the everyday mundane experiences. I can remember attending my daughter’s soccer practices, sitting in the bleachers and listening to the chit chat of other moms talking about having their nails done, what was the latest fashion etc. etc. While my average day was struggling with, sleep deprivation, depression, panic attacks, triggers and flashbacks; trying to focus on staying alive and being a good mom.
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Realization
Today, I realize that the meaning of words for me was derived from my experience as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Having experienced this during the years when most children experience normal so called psychological development, left me in the dust and arrested me emotionally at a very young age. I believe I was damaged at the very core. As an adult, I literally felt that I had to reconstruct my entire self.
As far as memory, was it impaired, or was it merely to busy repressing horrific experiences from my conscious awareness? My poor brain was in overdrive; trying to protect me and keep me safe. To this day, if I am sleep deprived or have any amount of stress what so ever. My memory is the first thing to go.
In conclusion: As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I learned a
creative way to remove myself from experiencing something to cruel for any
child to bear. In exchange there was a
loss of basic semantic knowledge and routine skills, like reading and writing or
better off known as cognitive dissonance.
Hindsight, might add; in other
words, how could I possible understand the real world when I was not able to
make a connection with my own?
Article(C)2010 Sage Williams. All rights reserved.
The copyright to this article is owned by Sage Williams. Permission to republish this article in print or online must be granted by the author in writing. (feel free, however, to copy and paste the following link to the article here on HubPages.)
http://hubpages.com/_19xubqe28heo6/hub/psychological-child-abuse-mental-health
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Your Comments & Ratings are Greatly Appreciated!
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Your expressions of 'Gratitude' are heartfelt. ~ Thank you!
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Thanks so very much for your kindness, compassion and support. I was beginning to think this subject matter was a little taboo for hub pages. I am a firm believer in writing what you know. So this is where I need to start. Thanks once again for reading and your supportive comment.
It's very much appreciated!
Sage
Your sharing is moving and enlightening. Thanks for your openness, very refreshing. Keep on sharing!
Paula thank you so very much for your kind words and support. Your comment means the world to me.
Thanks so much
Sage
Sharing this story, I think is part of recovery. And I'm glad that you have recovered now. I appreciate your openness in here. Others may find it taboo to tell. Godbless.
Beth, Thanks for your understanding and for taking the time to comment. I agree that sharing this story is part of recovery. I once saw a Tom Hanks movie, "Radio Flyer" and have never forgotten his quote.
"History is all in the mind of the teller. Truth is all in the telling."
Sage
Very well written Sage. Have bookmarked it because would like to read it many times. Rated up!!
Thanks so much for your comment and your rating. It is greatly appreciated!
Sage
Sage- I avoided this one. I knew it would be sad. I know what PTSD is. I know that filling my head with more tragedies as when I was in the Marines, and then an EMT/fireman, would trigger symptoms.
"The insomnia, irritability, anger, poor concentration, hyper vigilance and exaggerated responses are/have all been me. Feeling depressed, detached; estranged, anger, guilt, intense anxiety, panic, etc. I've often felt I have little in common with friends and family. I/WE have difficulty relating to the everyday mundane experiences."
Being alone at every party, dinner, get-together. Nobody understands. Now I live alone. I don't go out. I am not good company. I'm a fraud. I appear to have it together as much as a previously-moderately successful businessman, ex-Marine, hippy bike racer can be. How many hippy bike racers have you known? I fit into the racing scene as a square peg in a round hole. Nobody likes to get dropped by a beard. I love women and know they will not stay.
I am Don Quixote. I wish I could slay a windmill for you and Lyricsingray and other victims. I wish I could rescue you ladies from the castle.
I read your stories and it cuts me to the quick. I want to slay the black knight.
But I can't reach the enemy. I can't be the hero. My time has passed and there is no time machine where I can make things right.
I've/we've been betrayed.
So sometimes I'm angry at windmills. I cry. I want God to intercede and be as real and as physical as our pain and anguish is to us. And I am full of wonder. Yes, I believe in God and I wonder what the hey!
No matter- I am with you!
Micky Dee, thanks so much for your honesty. As you avoided this one I am having difficulty writing back. I am so honored by what you have written.
The courage that it has taken you to read and respond to a hub of this nature goes beyond recognition. Thank you so much for doing so. Just getting past the avoidance and isolation issues alone and being able to reach out is a victory in itself. Please keep those doors open.
My heart has always gone out to all of our men who served in the Vietnam War. I am feeling quite honored to be corresponding with you. It’s hard for me to write as I know first hand about triggers and am cautious to choose my words carefully.
Many years of therapy and writing as well as two psychiatric hospitalizations along the way, have helped me to heal the spiritual and emotional wounds necessary to get where I am today. I am pretty much symptom free. Occasionally, I may struggle with a bout of depression, a nightmare or something that catches me off guard. For the most part I’m in a far better place than I’ve been in my entire life. To be free of suicidal thoughts was a major victory for me.
Peeling back the layers, talking, writing and working through the feelings, memories,etc. etc. etc., has desensitized me to what use to be a living hell. Although, it was long and grueling at times; I wouldn’t change it for anything. I never thought I would get where I am today.
I hope and pray that you will continue to reach out to others and get the help that you need. You deserve to do this for you. It’s never too late.
Will I ever forget it no. But what I have learned along the way is how I react to my experience and what I do with it are two entirely different things.
Sending hugs and healing your way,
Sage
Thanks so much for your soul-wrenching honesty! It's a heartbreaking story, but necessary to be told. Thank you for sharing yourself with us so eloquently.
Thanks Sage for your kind thoughts. I've seen help and know what I need to do. There is no full recovery. You're very kind. Thanks
Your story was equally beautiful and moving and congrats to YOU for surviving. PTSD is a crazy thing and I completely agree with you on why we suppress things that are sometimes 'better left unsaid' or unfelt. The reality is always there though and it sounds like you have handled yours extremely well! We survivors definitely know how to do just that and through it all, knowing that there are other people who understand I think heals us further. Cheers to you making your journey and having the courage to tell about it. That is always better in the long run, though know it can be painful. Thank you for helping others as well by your journey. Audrey
RedElf
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this hub and for your kind and caring words of support. It is greatly appreciated!
Micky Dee - Thanks again for your kind words. I agree that you are never ever fully recovered.
Akirchner
Wow, thanks so much for your heartfelt comments. It is always comforting and healing to talk with other survivors. You're absolutely right, the reality is always there. Talking and sharing with other survivors is extremely healing.
Thanks so much for all your kind words,
Sage
I think understanding is the key and have been on the receiving end of both ends of the spectrum -those that maybe look at you like you have 2 heads because you are 'too normal' to have had these things happen to you - and then others that do understand and are so kind. You are doing a great job at being one of the latter! Keep up the good work as there are not enough kudos you can give folks in ANY bad situation that they've endured. I always remember that saying 'there but for the grace of God go I' - all these things could happen to anyone and all we can do is try and understand and be supportive - that's where the healing begins.....good thoughts to you always and keep in touch!
akirchner - Once again, your words are heartfelt, comforting and supportive. I can’t thank you enough. You are so right, understanding is the key. I was fortunate enough to have landed an excellent therapist from the start. I owe him, much to where I am today. He showed me, through his gentle ways, so many things that I had never learned. I had never experienced support or validation of any sort, nor did I know what it was. I had been judged harshly all of my life, so to experience; being accepted as you are, free from any harsh judgment was huge. I learned to trust and to give my pain a voice. It took many years to just be able to speak. Most of my therapy was done through letter writing, simply because I felt safer from a distance. One of my favorite poems is, Children learn what they live. It is so true.
Thanks for being there,
Sage
Sage, Your work here is masterful. You explore this subject with a thoroughness most wouldn't dare and bravery that few possess. It is a testament to your great courage and strong will to heal. You are in a unique position to help others heal, and it's a blessing to all that you are willing to try. Thumbs up, Linda
Linda, Thanks so much for stopping by to read one of my hubs. Your non-judgmental, kind, compassionate, caring words of support and encouragement are genuinely heartfelt and greatly appreciated!
Thanks from the bottom of my heart,
Sage
One of the most powerful and emotional hubs I've ever read on here....and trust me that's saying a lot! You really write beautifully.....and have a way of reaching the very core of your reader's heart. It's a rare talent.
What's even more inspiring is your courage and strength to put all this into words....yes, those very words that scared you, but which you've infused with such hope and beauty! Am sending you all my love......may your words touch as many lives out there as possible...! x
Such a powerful testimony, and so sad at the same time. Your words are expressive of so much that can harm the human spirit and yet you have survived with courage and grace. Thanks for sharing so openly and so well.
Love and peace
Tony
myownworld - I’m overwhelmed, by your words of compassion and understanding. You are extremely kind; the feeling is mutual as this is how I felt when reading your hub, "World of Wars." Many, many thanks for your beautiful comment. It means so very much to me. You are an inspiration to the world.
Thanks for reading, commenting and following. It is greatly appreciated!
Till next time,
Sage
Tony – Your kind, caring and gently spoken comment is heartfelt. Like so many of these comments each and every one has pulled at my heartstrings.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. It is all so overwhelming, yet very much appreciated!
Peace and Love,
Sage
Oh God, I can't help but cry. And I will allow myself to cry. My dearest Sage Williams, I feel you so...and I know life is so much better now for you but I know that..the words, the things that trigger things. I understand that. Thank you, thank you for writing this all down. This will help all those who can't find the words to describe whatever they feel inside. You have given a voice to these things. I honor you for being brave and honest.
Your hub has been nominated for the Hubnuggets. I congratulate you warmly. To the Hubnuggets, click here: http://hubpages.com/_hubnuggets10/hub/10-New-Autho
I love your conclusion statement! Quite the exploration of a really tough subject. Congrats on your Hubnugest nomination!
ripplemaker - I'm at a loss for words. Thank you so kindly for understanding and your gentle words of support and comfort. I can't thank you enough.
I'm still trying to understand this hubnuggets. I am honored to be nominated. Hopefully, I will have some time later this evening to look further at it.
Thanks again,
Sage
The Rope - Thanks so much for reading and commenting. It is greatly appreciated! Everyone has been wonderful.
Thanks again,
Sage
So sorry for what you suffered and glad that you have found a way to heal. Congrats on your nomination for a well-deserved hub. Aloha from Hawaii. Hope you will find peace from now on.
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment. You are so very kind. Thanks also for acknowledging the nomination of this hub. I am a tad overwhelmed yet, really honored at the same time.
Sage
Congrats on being nominated for the HubNugget Wannabes! So sorry for your suffering. Child abuse is something that needs to change in our society. Thanks for being brave enough to share your story with us. Good luck to ya!:)
The Hubnuggets is quite simple Sage! Every week 10 hubs get picked by the Hubnuggets Team and everyone gets the chance to vote. (They have to be newbies...all the candidates) The top 5 hubs with the most votes will be featured in next week's newsletter, which gets the chance for your hub to be sent through all the hubbers out there. You can vote and promote your hub. Members and non members can vote. Just send the link and they can vote on the page. Hope this explains more. :)
Money Glitch - Thanks so much for reading and commenting. Many thanks for your acknowledgment to the hub nuggets. It is all very much appreciated.
Ripplemaker - Thanks for clarification regarding the hub nuggets. I did get a chance to read things over last night. I just have not had one extra moment. Hopefully, I will send some links out tonight.
Thanks once again, you are all so wonderful,
Sage
You are most welcome Sage..Have fun with the Hubnuggets. :)
I want to say thank you for writing this. When you've been victimized as a child or otherwise we truly do have the ability to block it out, just so we could survive the moment. Eventually what seem like bad dreams come to the surface and you remember. Hopefully anyone who experienced this can heal with time and hope.
Hi sage...great story andy congratulations on the Hubnugget nomination. Thanks for sharing your recovery.
For someone who does not understand semantics, I have to say you do a really smashing job of emoting!
Keep up the good work!
No Name - Thanks so much for your kinds words, show of support and validation. I sense that you are right there with me. Hugs and healing.
Tammy - Thanks so much for reading, commenting and always being supportive.
Austinstar - Thanks for reading and commenting. It has taken me a life time to get where I am today. It may not appear from my writing but trust me, semantics is still very much a struggle for me today.
Thanks to all of you for your kinds words and support,
Sage
You are a very brave soul to talk about this. I was amazed, when I started talking about my abuse, how ungodly common it was. For some reason, it made me feel a little better.
That ptsd is a strong cellular pattern. Once when my 2 year old was having a tantrum and flailing arms and feet at me, I freaked out and became the child.
I wish you all the best on your journey to peace and light.
And thank you, again, for your sharing and strength.
mbwaltz - I spent three quarters of my life in silence. My only regret is I wish it hadn't taken so long. Thanks so much for sharing your experience as well.
PTSD never ceases to amaze me. When you lease expect it, it comes out of nowhere and strikes like lightening.
Best to you as well,
Sage
wow, what a powerful, moving hub. words are how we try to make sense of our world and when they take on new and horribly different meanings, it can be overwhelming. i admire your courage and strength of character. thank you for this amazing hub.
Cossette - Thanks so much for reading, understanding and commenting. Your kind expression of words are genuinely heartfelt.
Thanks so much,
Sage
Sage, There are no words for the sorrow involved in sexual abuse to children. You are brave to write about your experience and it is probably a step toward your healing. This hub was very well written. Others who may not be able to talk yet will probably be helped.
Pamela - Thanks so much for reading and commenting. It is very healing to have taken this step and if it helps just one person, than it is all worth it in the end.
There were others along the the way whose voices helped me to get where I am today. Breaking the silence is one of the hardest things to overcome.
Thanks so much for your kind, caring and supportive words.
Sage
My head went round and round, my heart pounded in my chest. I cried for you, and at the same time thanked God HE held you up to be You now. This testimony tells all. You were a brave little child, whose only fault was you loved and obeyed your father. If you were my own, I don't know if I would live to see you now. God bless you.
Lita - Thanks so much for your understanding and heartfelt comment. It is so very much appreciated.
From the bottom of my heart, Thank you!
Sage
What a hard topic, and you are very brave to write about it - I know how hard it is to "find the words" to describe the pain and how something like this affects one inside.
If it helps, it is a proven scientific fact that trauma at a young age DOES cause changes in the way our brain cells work and how they release serotonin and other neuro-transmitters. So there is truly a physical reason for the things you have suffered, like the depression, anxiety, panic attacks, difficulty concentrating, PTSD, etc. Which tells us nothing less than that your body reacted normally. And that YOU are normal!!!
What was NOT normal is what was done to you. But it was NOT your fault! I know how hard it is for you, because it is hard for me, too, to find the words to show you that I understand and that I have gone through the same. Yes, you do feel different from everyone else. Yes, you do have trouble being interested in the things everyone else seems to be so interested in. How can you, when all you can think about is how to get from one day to the next? And when you must battle the turmoil inside you constantly?
Something that helped me, was to understand that firstly, it was NOT my fault, that the person who did it was sick inside, and sick because of whatever had happened to them in their childhood. And then, if not to exactly forgive, at least to be able to hand that person and all their evilness over to God to deal with, so I no longer had to. I do know that you can never completely forget something like this.
But maybe it is possible to move past it and become a better person? I have found that my own suffering has given me the ability to understand the suffering of others better and to be more empathetic. These are valuable qualities we can use to help others! And that I found helpful in working with and understanding my patients.
May God give you peace and tranquility in your life, and also safety! Love to you! :)
MagicStar- Such an endearing and well written comment. You have given voice to the vast underlying feelings of what survivors go through. I have reached many of the same realizations that you speak of, in my course of recovery and like you, I understand it inside and out.
I have found that through continually speaking out I am still giving voice to the many years of silence and am helping other survivors break through their silence.
Thanks so much for you honesty,support and validation. I do believe that compassion and the ability to empathize with others is truly a gift that every survivor has.
Peace and Love,
Sage
Yay top five my friend way to go! Congrats.
Dearest Sage,
I am crying at reading your story, as I know only too well what you went through . The only difference is that I was sexually abused by a complete stranger at the age of nine. He was a brother to a friend's mother, who wandered in one day when she and I were playing. Anyway, he took advantage of a situation and I was very badly abused. I still remember being taken to the Police Station, only to sit there and have him deny what I had said. The Police told my parents that they knew that I was telling them the truth because a nine year old child would not have been able to express the things I had unless they had really happened. He was later convicted and sent for treatment in an asylum. I never knew about this till later in my life.
At the age of 17, I was raped by a guy, in fact it was my boss I worked for in the Public Service. He had been teasing me for some time, and one night when I worked back later, he had to drive me home. As a result of this, he took a detour, he was much bigger than I was and things got out of control. I never told my parents what happened that night, but they always knew something happened and they were waiting for me to tell them. I got pregnant as a result of this, lost the baby at 10 weeks, which I was glad of because I had still been able to hide this under the guise of an ovarian cyst problem.I thought of that child,even thought I knew I was wrong, as the Devil's child. I looked on that miscarriage as a Divine Intervention. In fact, I prayed to God to take this baby, because of the circumstances in which the had occurred. I guessed he heard my wish. I did pray for forgiveness after that.
However, when my first marriage went bad to worse, to the point of destructive thoughts about myself after being married for three years to an abusive, aggressive and possessive man, the truth all came out in the hearing for my divorce and anulment. I was asked by the Judge if I felt that my previous rape had been related to my marriage failing. You can imagine the look on both of my parents faces, as they had not known about this. As a result, I had to have counselling from the Rape Crisis Centre, different
sychiatrists, not to mention Sexual Therapist because I was not able to do this either. I am now married again, 20 years in fact this March, I still have flashbacks to both of those events, I wasn't able to have any more children as a result of trauma both physical and psychological reasons. For a long time, I could not let anyone, even my own father, who I love with all my heart, even put his arm around my shoulder,because of memories.
I am so hearbroken for you, and what you went through. I am still reeling over what I read because I know the effects it would have had on you. It is the hardest thing to have to deal with and I am 53 and still have problems. I don't know how old you are but I am guessing a bit younger, I could be wrong though. I am so glad that you have come to hub pages because you will get so much support as I have found. I have only been in three months myself, and I have been amazed and totally surprised by the incredible amount of empathy and understanding that I have received from a lot of people in HP's.
There are so many people on HP's Sage, who have come forward with different problems, some just as serious as ours, and have found so much support and empathy through this very empathetic and sympathetic community of people. I have been utterly shocked and amazed at the amount of suffering that has taken place in so many hubber's lives. But, one thing I am sure of, if you need help and understanding you have come to the right place to get it. I hhave no doubts about this at all.
Congratulations on your nomination for the Hubnuggets, well done and please, if you need to talk, feel free to send me an e mail, as I would be only to pleased to talk with you further.I also found pray a great ministry and healer through a lot of my pain. If you are religious I would do this frequently. I found it very comforting to pray to the Lord. I think I have prattled on enough. I do wish you so much luck, and send you my love and thoughts and prayes Sage. God Bless Beautybabe x
This literally brought tears to my eyes. Your strength is incredible, and your writing style is one that not a lot of possess, and it is beautiful.
SUPERB HUB!
Tammy - Thanks so much for your support. I am so honored to have been nominated for the hubnuggets.
mynameisnotpaul -Thanks so very much your kind words of support and compassion they are genuinely heartfelt.
Beautybabe - Thanks so much for your kinds words and support. I am so sorry to hear about all that you went through. I am feeling a little overwhelmed by all the wonderful people surrounding me.
Thanks so much for your honesty and sharing of your personal struggles. I have met so many survivors through my articles. And each and everyone has been empathetic and understanding.
There is power in numbers and I appreciate all the support everyone has given to me.
Hugs to all of you,
Sage
Recently someone approached this topic with some youth ages 10 -13 during a casual discussion and one of the girls burst into tears. She revealed what has been happening in her life for two years- since age 9.Only her friends in whom she confided knew this information.Of course it caused a stir- an uproar- because the perpetrator has been working with youth and was a trusted person though not relative. It is hoped that others who have been affected will acknowledge what is/ has been happening.Some incest cases are known and one person had a baby.I plan to share your hub so that others would know the effect and danger of keeping such a secret. Thanks.
aoiffe - My heart sank into my stomach as I read your comment. It just took me back. I guess I'd like to think with all the interventions out there that things are a little bit different today. And maybe they are, as this young girl had the courage to reveal her abuse at 11 instead of 31.
Thanks so much for being an advocate to the youth in need. It doesn't surprise me that the perpertrator is a trusted member of the community and/or works with children. It happens all the time.
The most important thing that you can convey to any child is to let them know that it is not their fault; they are not alone.
I wish you, all the best, on your journey advocating for these young girls. You are a very special person.
Sage
Hello Sage,
PTSD is one of the worst things to have. Depending on how bad it is, it truely can rule your life. The things done to me haunt me every day. Some days it's pure tourture. I have had multiple abusers over the years. They all did their fair share of damage. My spinal injury I got during one incident of abuse, I made the mistake of saying "no". Every single time I get a stab of pain in my back, it directly triggers flashbacks of the incident. I am terrified of the dark thanks to being locked in a room in the dark from 7:30pm - 8:30am the next morning. I have a lamp on 24/7 next to my bed and a series of night lights that are on in every room of the house. I am willing to pay the extra money to have the lights on. As with you and others, I have a very long list of triggers. I still don't know how it's possible, or how common it is, but I wake up feeling hurt where I was hurt in my nightmares. I have woken up with pulled muscles, bruses and cuts. I have two kinds of nightmares. One, I reply the incidents of abuse, minute for minute. Other times, I am somewhere different from where I was hurt. But it's the same story line. It feels so real. Alot of times I sit and try to figure out where I am, or how I got there. I am terrified of who is going to come into the room, and what they are going to do to me. There is one saying I like when it comes to child abuse of any kind....."It shouldn't hurt to be a child". Take care and be well Sage.
-Stanley
Stanley,
It's so very hard to read about all that you endured. My heart goes out to you. Your writing is a testament to your courage and strength. Body memories are some of the hardest to overcome, they can be so painful and confusing.
I feel your pain and hear your cries, you are so right. "It shouldn't hurt to be a child."
May you find comfort and support on hub pages; may you continue to speak out and seek qualified and reputable professional help.
Hugs and healing to you,
Sage
Sage, thank you so much for sharing your story. I have know a few victims, myself included, and everything I can learn to help us heal as adults is so valuable to me. Thank you; many hugs to you!
antoinette - thank you for reading and commenting. May a gentle guiding breeze, be with each and everyone one of you on your journey through healing.
Hugs to all,
Sage
Power Hub! I am at a loss for words as I sit here thinking of what I just read-you are a fantastic writer. This one moved me. WOW
H.C. - What a beautiful comment, it really touched me. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. It is greatly appreciated.
Sage
Sage that was so well written, I felt everything you went through as well. You are a very strong voice, and I am so proud of you.
I was so moved when I first read this hub a couple of weeks ago, I didn't quite know what to say, where to start. But I did become a follower. Maybe I will find my voice soon. I do want to say how much I admire your courage for baring your soul. I also want to thank you for checking out my hub about talking elephants, and to invite you to follow me. I'm working on a new hub about another amazing talking animal. I don't want you to miss it! I look forward to reading more of your thoughtful hubs.
Blondepoet - I was pretty much at a loss for words after reading your poem. Thanks so much for reading, following and commenting on my hub as well. Your comment and compassion is genuinely heartfelt. From one survivor to another, there is power in numbers.
Hugs to you,
Sage
i scribble - Thanks so much for reading, commenting and following as well. Thanks also for your kind words of compassion and support. As far as the voice inside, welcome her home. There is freedom in speaking and honoring your truth.
I have a special place in my heart for elephants and many other animals. I am so looking forward to reading more of your hubs. Thanks for the invite.
Sage
Thank you for this.
You are so very welcome and Welcome to Hub Pages!
This is beautiful Sage, I'm in the middle of writing a hub on this topic, may I link this article to mine, please?
mpg - Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I would be honored to have you place a link in your article to this article or at the bottom of your article as you did in your article Growing up with Aspergers.
Please be sure to make it only one link or your article could be flagged.
Best of Luck,
Sage
This hub hits like a heavy stone. I've never been sexually abused, yet I can understand much of what you say, that is we have something in common. I'd like to link my hub on self defence to yours, but I'd like to know first if it's good for you. Rated up and stumbled.
hypnodude - Thanks so much for stopping by, reading, commenting, following, rating, stumbling and linking. WoW! can't thank you enough.
I am so honored that you would like to link your hub on self defense to this hub.
Many Thanks,
Sage
:) You deserved it thanks to the quality and message of your hub. :) Link added.
hynodude - You are so sweet. Your comment means the world to me. Thanks so much.
Sage
Sage - this really moved me! I actually cried as I was reading it. I could feel all your emotions swirling around me and inside of me. You are so brave to share this with us. It is so well written and I'm not surprised at all that it's a hubnugget. Congratulations! Really well-deserved!
I am happy that you have recovered from that childhood trauma.
God bless!
Jill of alltrades- Thanks so much for stopping by, reading and commenting. I am so very touched by your compassion and genuinely heartfelt comment.
Thanks from the bottom of my heart.
Sage
Wow! I am in tears. What an awesome hub. Thank you for being so transparent.
Thanks for allowing me to link this story to my hub. I read it again and am still so moved. Your transparency is empowering.
samboiam - Your comment is genuinely heartfelt. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment.
There are rewards to being transparent, others see themselves and know they are not alone.
Thanks so much,
Sage
MPG - You are so very welcome. Your hub on Precious was very well written.
Sage
Thank You so much for sharing your story on here, very brave of you to have been able to do that. I guess its part of the healing process. I can relate on many levels with your article. You have a gift for writing and sharing you are very courageous to share it with the world. Good Job!
My dear Sage, there is nothing that we can say that can take away the hurt both physical and emotional that you have been struggling with. I can only pray that you receive nothing but joy and happiness hence forth!
Steph and Cashmere - Many thanks to both of you for seeking out my hub and commenting. Your comments mean the world to me. Writing has always been a part of healing for me.
Sharing my story is more of a way to help others who are struggling on their path of healing. One of the many things that helped me was to know that I wasn't alone. It always helped to read others stories. It fueled the hope to see that healing was possible. It kept me going on the right path.
Today I have much joy and happiness in my life. Thanks so much for your kind and caring words. Your comments are genuinely heartfelt.
Sage
i went through something very similar when i was a child. though it was not my father but my aunts husband who abused me. to this day i have ptsd, social phobias, depression, anxiety, possible bi-polar and ocd.
i struggle everyday as well. you mention a daughter, if you don't mind me asking are you married?
if you are, how did you get the courage to even date? i have not been able to. i just had one date since i was 15 and i'm 24 now. i can't seem to be comfortable around any men. at the same time i feel so lonely and have a fear of dying alone. i never go anywhere alone. i always have my mom drive me. i try sometimes like to go into a doctors appointment alone. even though i like the doctor i'm so nervous i can't remember to ask what i want to. do you have any advice for me? i wish you luck in your recovery.
I know that sexual abuse is unforgettable and bad experience. The child have to control their emotion by counseling treatment. Because the have bright future. this can bury their hopes. I hope the best for our children.
My Dearest Lecie,
My heart goes out to you. Sexual abuse is a very complex issue; although, survivors, share many of the same characteristics in the after effects. I must say that each experience is uniquely different. Therefore the after effects will also be.
Here are just a few of the things that may factor in, resulting in, what type of after effects the individual may be effected with later on in life. Age when the abuse started and when it stopped. The duration of time that the abuse lasted. Did the child tell someone immediately and receive help or were they to afraid to tell and suffered in silence? If they told someone was help made available to them or were they told that it was just their imagination, or some other lame excuse? A sexual abuse survivor can go either way as far as future relationships with the opposite sex. They can either be promiscuous or be very fearful. There are so many factors that one needs to take into consideration that play into the after effects that make each case so unique. This is why professional help is very much needed.
I can only speak for myself and my own experience. I am not a professional and my advice should not be misconstrued as professional advice.
What I can tell you from my own experience that finding a qualified and competent professional who is compassionate and has knowledge of child sexual abuse along with the after effects that one may encounter is key to recovery.
Once again, I can only speak for myself. I started abusing drugs and alcohol at a very young age. As with any drug or alcohol it frees up your inhibitions. Yes I am married, and had many hurdles to overcome. My problems came into play when the drugs and alcohol no longer were managing to keep the pain down. I made a conscious choice to get help at that point. It has been a very long and rocky road. But today, I would not change my life or the recovery process for anything in the world. Going through it has changed my life. I am a survivor and my past is pretty well integrated at this point. Every day is a blessing.
Once again, the best advice that I can give you is to find a competent therapist that will work well with you. Reach out, to others, continue to write. Writing is huge. Support groups are huge as well, if you can find a really positive focused group. I belonged to an Adult Child of Alcoholics group which was tremendous support for me. Also there is a book called ‘Secret Survivors’ by E. Sue Blume. This book was a god sent for me. It was like my bible. I always felt that I could have written it. It was very validating for me. Reading and hearing other stories was always helpful to me. Know that you are not alone; there are thousand of survivors in this world. Also, daily mediation books for survivors was huge. These books helped to keep me focus and came with much positive light. Remember healing is possible. I hope this helps somewhat, please feel free to email me.
Hugs to you and may you find peace on your journey to healing.
Sage
prasetio - You are very wise and your comment is genuinely heartfelt. Once again, thank you so very much for reading and commenting.
Sage
I have never experienced abuse. My heart goes out to you. Wow. The nightmare you will always have to live with. One baby step at a time, and hope for a better day tomorrow. That's all any of us can do. I hope you can find peace.
DustinsMom - I went through many years of therapy and have been able to get on with my life. Yes, I acknowledge the abuse happened. However, today I am in a far better place.
Today I have the ability to write about it. It has been integrated as part of my life. One that I will never forget. Because I have worked through the issues relating to the abuse, it no longer has power over my life. Your comment is genuinely heartfelt, Thanks so much.
Hugs to your healing,
Sage
This is so timely and I FEEL for you. Timely... considering the news today is about those very young altar boys ((sighs)).
debugs - Good to see you. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment. My heart goes out to all those young boys whom have been abused by clergy. It is horrific to think of just how many innocent boys have been affected.
I'm in love with a young woman who experienced abuse at several times in her life. I am researching the effects of sexual abuse on later, adult relationships. I guess I need to know what I'm getting into....so I understand when she tries to push me away or sabotage things.
Thank you for sharing your story and helping to furnish me with a deeper understanding of what I'm facing and - more importantly - what my girlfriend is experiencing.
soloturtle - Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Please keep in mind everyone's experiences are uniquely different. There are many factors that may or may not apply to your friend's situation. (read more detail in my comment to Lecie, 6 comments above).
Working with a professional therapist who knows you both of you and can offer insight would be a truly great resource.
Good Luck to bot of you,
Sage
My symptoms did not fully surface until a few years ago; I was diagnosed with PTSS, as you very aptly describe. Your Hub was very moving. Check out my Hub on Saving Our Children from Sexual Abuse/and the case of Tamar Hodel, who was raped and brought her father to trial--just to be disbelieved. God bless.
Garnet Bird, thanks so much for reading and commenting. Your comment is heartfelt and greatly appreciated. I will definitely check out your hubs soon.
Hugs,
Sage
Sage, What an amazing and helpful contribution to awareness and healing. You my dear Sage are a gifted and talented writer. Anyone who can take such an experience and turn it into a balanced and understandable written documentation of accounts and the affects of them....I'm speachless, you are truly serving a greater purpose. There is nothing more painful to have experienced such abuse, to know those who have and be lost in the madness of its hush! THANK YOU for speaking out. May you be RADICALLY and ABUNDANTLY BLESSED! Thanks and Peace :)
Katiem - What a beautiful and heartfelt comment you have left. Your compliment has brought tears to my eyes. It's hard for to sometimes take a step back and look at my writing in any other way. It has been my saving grace through out my life. The one place that I know I can count on and trust that it will always be there for me. It is literally at my finger tips all the time. A way to purge, keep sanity and discover what lies in those hidden chambers.
My life has been far from perfect, but my journey has been filled with the richest of blessings that life has to offer and I wouldn't change anything. Thanks for your heartfelt, endearing compliments and blessings. I have been abundantly blessed.
Many hugs and tokens of happiness your way,
Sage
What a brave and honest piece sage. Well written and the mix of psycology along with your personal experiences make this hub all the more moving. Take care.
wrenfrost - Thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to comment. Your heartfelt and compassionate comment. is greatly appreciated!
sage
Such courage I should say from stepping out from that dark room. It does really need a lot of coping and defense mechanisms to better back you up while stepping out though. But that's a good way to huddle yourself instead of dwelling on the depressing forces hounding you. Very inspiring hub!!
allypsychedup - Thanks so much for taking the time to read and for your supportive comment. Your comment is greatly appreciated!
Sage
Sage
First well done on telling us about your harrowing and tragic experiences ,and on doing it so seamlessly and well.
I am really sorry to hear this -it defies my understanding how these thieves of childhood behave.
I don't know if you know Immartin on hubs-she is very experienced in this while area ,you may like to connect with her.
Keep well Sage-you are a gentle soul.
Iatkins - Thanks so much for stopping by, taking the time to read and writing a comment. Your comment is genuinely heartfeld and greatly appreciated!
I will check out Immartin as soon as I get a chance. Thanks so much,
Sage
Wow - this was shocking to read but you presented what happened to you on so sophisticated way that I can only admire you and your style.
I can only send you a lot of love and peace. You certainly deserve it.
Tatjana-Mihaela - You bring sunshine to my page, thanks so much for taking the time to read and to write such a warm, supportive and heartfelt comment.
I started writing this hub on the Power of Words. I guess the flood gates were opened and everything else just followed as it often does.
Little did I know that this would be a prelude to, "Understanding the Psychological Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse".
I have learned so much on my journey of healing and hope to offer some peace to others who may have encountered similar experiences.
I learned so much from other survivor's that walked before me as reading others experiences has always been a source of hope and validation for myself.
Your warm wishes of love and peace are greatly appreciated!
Sage
Thanks for sharing such a painful story. It brought back vivid memories of getting "tucked into bed", long after such a thing was appropriate.
Namaste.
Deborah Demander - Thanks so much for taking the time to read. I hear you loud and clear. So sorry for the memories. Do take care.
Hugs,
Sage
I did not go through what you went through...but I think I feared it. I do not remember much of my childhood...and I think it is on purpose.
Enlydia Listener - Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. I hear what you are saying, it is not uncommon to block out parts of your childhood. Trust your gut.
Hugs,
Sage
No child should go through this! And yet, while I weep at the agony that you must have been through, I can't help feeling amazed at your wonderful strength to rise above it and write about it in a detached manner. It must be hard - smells and sounds should bring back happy memories of childhood not horrible ones. Dear Sage - I wish so much love for you for the rest of your life - so it washes away the memory of all that went before. God Bless!
Shalini Kagal - Thanks so much for your warm, compassionate heartfelt message and support.
Although healing is a life long process. After many years of therapy, you are able to look back with a different set of eyes. By becoming aware of the triggers, connecting them to the abuse,talking, and learning new healthier methods of coping. One becomes somewhat desensitized; therefore, the triggers no longer have that same powerful effect as they once did.
And for the first time in your life you experience what it means to be empowered and you are able to take control of your life.
Sage
I re-read your Hub today and it helped me immensely. I have had a long, stressful day and my PTSS symptoms came back with a whallop.Even though my day was positive-stress, it still triggered flashbacks and irritability. I do not know what is triggering the pop-up memories. The sound of pots and pans banging, as you described so vividly made me wonder what sound or sight is triggering my current memories to materialize like this. Possibly just a need for more sleep! Anyway, this is an awesome article and worthy of attention from many, many Incest Survivors.
GarnetBird - My heart goes out to you. PTSD is extremely stressful and comes out of nowhere as you already know. Learning to recognize the triggers is key. Triggers can be something so minuscule. For instance, the color of someone's skin or hair. Touching something. Like the feel of a fabric or the texture of someone's hair. Maybe something in the background of a picture. A tone of someone's voice or a particular facial expression etc.
I am so glad that you have found this article to be helpful. I tried to write it so that even someone who had never experienced PTSD could understand. I wish you the very best of luck with your healing. Thanks so much for coming back to read and comment.
Hugs to you,
Sage
hi sage..though it's my first time visit here on hubpages..i already admired your character..your story almost triggered me to join here & create my own hub..but there r things i dont understand yet & one thing i really doubt is my english language..im not english speaking person, i dont have any english coarse cause i did not even entered college in my entire 36 years of age ..i have only the basic in my elementary & high school..
i am only one of those millions taking the hardships in life because of the life form in poverty in my country being run by corrupt government.
while exploring the net..i see great writers,like you..amazing.. you inspire me so much!
really pushing me to write..that is why i find myself typing this comment in your fantastic hub.
i wish..i find the courage...
Lyndon - I apologize for not writing sooner. I have been very busy and have not had a chance to respond to my comments.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on this hub. I am so happy that this hub has inspired you to write and comment.
Regardless of your English grammar or level of education. I do hope that you will find the courage to join hubpages and continue to write. You sound as though you have a lot to write about and offer through your life experiences.
There are a lot of supportive people at hubpages. If you go to my profile page you can sign up and join hubpages and begin to write.
Thanks so much for your kind, caring and heartfelt comment.
Hugs to you,
Sage
Thank you for sharing your story. Kudos to your survival.
Life is beautiful. Getting away from your assaulter is the best thing for you. Talking about it with your trusted family is another way of healing. Knowing it is not your fault is vital. A virtual hug to you my friend :).
Opps on the second comment, was an accident. Know we care.
nikki - Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. Your comment is genuinely heartfelt.
Many thanks,
Sage
Thanks so much for having the courage to write this hub, Sage.
Abuse will always be a difficult subject to tackle but I know from my own experiences that you can only bare your soul honestly when you have a genuine desire to help others.
A virtual hug from me too
Julie
Thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to comment. I apologize for not replying sooner. I have had to take a break for awhile from writing and hope to return soon.
Your comment is so true and from the heart, delivered with compassion and understanding. Thanks so much for the virtual hug and here is one back to you.
Hugs to your healing,
Sage
Your sharing will help others heal...The very best to you!!!
Lily - Thanks so much for taking the time to read and leaving such a warm and heart felt comment. I agree as there were many writers that I am so grateful to, for sharing their stories. During the healing process it helps to see and know that you are not alone.
Many thanks,
Sage
I have a never ending amount of respect for you being able to share this story; it must have taken a lot of courage and strength. Stay strong & positive.
Desiree - Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment. Your words are very kind and genuinely heartfelt. When I look back the story just wrote itself. I started out writing about the power of words and one thing led to another. Like Tom Hanks once said, "the history is in the mind of the teller the truth comes forth in the telling."
Thanks so much,
Sage
Sage) My heart ached for you as I read this. A similar thing happened to me but I was not the abused person -my kids were abused by someone I loved and trusted. And all along I had no idea. It changed everything I knew or thought I knew about the words and meanings of trust,honesty and love. I still ache all these years later but like you have learned to embrace a new healthy journey.
God bless you for sharing your story. Many will be able to heal through the writing and the sharing of your words.
Dorsi - Nice to see you again. Thanks so much for stopping by, commenting and sharing your personal story. I can't even imagine what this must have been like for you as a parent.
What you went through has always one of my biggest fears when my kids were growing up. Having had my own experience as a kid, I was suspicious of everyone. I thank God that I did not have to go through that with my children.
You are so right, how it changes everything. You are incredibly strong in every sense of the word. God Bless to both you and your children.
Sage
The word 'God sent' comes to mind. I have been all over the net but nowhere did anybody mention how crazy and different one ends up feeling. Yesterday, I told by my best friend about nearly 14 years abuse and realized that I was so far gone in the little twisted head of mine and I need help.
Thank you for this post. It is really a blessing from the skies. I am sure you already it but I will say it nevertheless: This entry is one of the most simple and powerful entry on the topic that actually would help abused people feel a little bit more normal. So thanks on behalf of everybody who probably didn't leave a comment.
Congrats on making such a great progress and hope that one day there is just you and not even the slightest legacy from another. Just you and the person you really are.
I am hoping to get there too. Just don't know how long will it take.
This was very powerful and made my heart race. I was sexually assaulted at age 4. I blocked it until age 43. when I rememberd, it nearly killed me (literally). PTSD is a nightmare I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. All the symptoms you described I have had. I am in a fairly stable place right now. But when I hear stories about other peoples experience with sexual abuse, it triggers more symptoms, and I actually get quite sick (emotionally). When I saw the title to your hub I thought, "you really shouldn't go there, you might confront a trigger." But I read it anyway. So far so good. But often it hits me a day or two or three later. So we'll see. I am sorry you had to go through what you went through. It sounds like you have come a long way on your journey to healing. Your courage and strength inspire me and I truly love you and appreciate you. God bless you in your journey and thanks for sharing.
Kay,
So sorry that it has taken me so long to approve and respond to your comment. I have been away for awhile and am trying to get back to this wonderful place.
Thanks so much for your wonderful comment. I am so happy that this hub has helped and served as validation for you. It was always a god sent to me when I could read my experience in others words. It always made me better knowing that I was not alone. Others had endured this kind of experience as well. one.
I do hope you the best and know that you will get there as well.
Hugs to your healing,
Sage
Lambservant,
God bless you for having the courage to read this hub and share your story as well. I know and hear what you are saying in regards to PTSD.
I do believe that the more you heal, in time, you become desensitized to the triggers that once had hold on you.
I hope and pray that you will continue on with your healing journey. I like you, am so sorry that you have endured such abuse in your life.
Thanks so much for having the courage and strength to share your story.
Hugs to your healing,
Sage
Your article is amazing. It has given me the strength to type anonymously which is big for me. I was sexually abused as a child for many years, starting at the age of 2 (not sure, could be younger) at least until the age of 8. When I was 15 I had my first male "relationship" and the petting began, it was horrible. Just the touching was a trigger. I remember screaming and yelling at him then running away. I never spoke of nor thought about the abuse again until 3 years ago. I have not talked to anyone about the abuse nor have I ever had the strength to name my abuser. I am now 29, and am sitting here choking back tears because I can't believe the thoughts in my mind. I have issues, I know I do. The biggest one that I struggle with on a daily basis is the fact that I have a 2 year old daughter, and it takes everything in my power to remind myself nothing is happening to her. If I allowed my animated mind to get the best of me, I would be accusing everyone around me of sexual molestation. I hate that I am this way. I hate that I fear that when my child is lying next to her dad in bed that he is touching her or going to hurt her the way I was hurt when I was a child. I never want my child to experience the nightmare that we have lived through, ever! I find myself to be over protective and somewhat overbearing. I do not allow men to hold her for a long period of time. I have to be in the same room, I do not allow her to be out of my sight. If it is a man I do not trust, I will not allow holding at all. Her maternal/paternal grandpa's have no clue why I do this...I've gotten better. Trust is a huge issue. (I’m not going to go into detail about my relationships with men) I want to find peace but I really do not know how. I have tried counseling but the problem is, I do not like to discuss what I've experienced, and really can't remember everything. I still feel crazy. I hide it well, so I think. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown or panic attack from worrying about my little girl. Your article did "trigger" memories. I wish I knew how to behave “normal”. Any advice is great!
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for sharing your innermost thoughts and experience. I admire your honesty and courage to speak out and ask for help. Please forgive me for not responding sooner.
As you eluded to in your comment, this was a very big step for you. Congratulations! I still remember to this day how hard taking that very first step was. Making the call to a therapist was in fact one of the hardest things I had ever done.
So much of what you shared took me back. The issues that you are dealing with and have expressed are perfectly normal for survivors of sexual abuse. I experienced all the very same issues with men, trust, being protective of my daughters. Although, I was aware of how overprotective I was and tried very hard not to be. etc. etc.
Therapy, support groups and writing worked the best for me. Finding the right therapist is key. I like you, could not talk about a lot of things especially to a therapist.
I found a very supportive, non-judgmental therapist that really allowed me to be the one in control. Due to my inability to verbalize anything during our sessions. I would write to him in between sessions. I would write about anything and everything.
Support groups were also wonderful. I could listen to others verbalize all the things I couldn't. In time I was able to speak as well.
Reading was a great source of validation as I identified very strongly with other survivor issues and characteristics. I always felt like I could have written the books.
Daily meditations, soothing music and aromatherapy helped at times to lessen my anxieties and helped to keep me present and grounded.
What I'd like to stress the most is, if you really want to help your daughter and break the cycle of abuse, so that your daughter does not have to experience the same things that you went through, get the appropriate level of help and support for yourself. If you are having a hard time doing this for yourself, then start by doing it for your daughter. Trust me, you won't regret it. I cherish with all my heart, the recovery process.
Sexual abuse issues are very complicated. You have come this far, you owe it to yourself and to your daughter to get the help you need. You don't have to be alone anymore. There are hundreds of young mom's, just like you.
You made a huge step by reaching out and writing. Please, please continue to reach out.
Healing is possible. You are where you need to be. Please be gentle,compassionate and patient with yourself.
Hugs to your healing,
Sage
WOW! thank you so much
lisa.bom - Nice to see you, thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment.
Sage
Thank you for your honesty and recovery. An inspiration.
Love and blessings.
Spiritual Growth - Thanks so much for stopping by and for your very kind comment. I visited your website and really loved your articles as well.
Sage
If law makers and judges fully understood the devastation that childhood sexual abuse causes, the laws would be changed to truly protect children.
2besure - I wish it were that easy.
I too have had PTSD since childhood due to chronic and severe abuse. It takes a lot to share these thoughts and feelings with another.... but it always somehow helps. Thank you. Linda
lindatymensky - Thanks so much for reading and commenting. You are absolutely right sharing can make a world of difference. Thanks so much for sharing your experience as well. Take care and God Bless. Hugs and Healing to you..
Sage
What an awesome hub! Voted awesome! May Bless you, as you have poured out your heart in this article. I am sure many lives have been touched.
Nastasia - So sorry it's taken me awhile to get back to you. I have not had any extra time to check my hubs. Thanks so much for taking the time to read. Your words are genuinely heartfelt and kind.
Sage
Sage, I don't have to tell you how many people that you have touched, radically, with this hub. The comments are evident....your strength and courage to work through an event that haunts you still is amazing. Your words inspire me so - my abuse/situation was different but damaging nonetheless and I can hear your inner dialogue, I spoke the same words. The disassociation takes on many forms in order to survive, but I didn't realize that then, I always thought I was the problem. Secrets and masquerades - drugs, alcohol, fear of going out, compulsive cleaning & feeling truly crazy and soooo detached & different from everyone else.
I thank you for publishing this Sage, it is soulfully written and powerfully honest. Reading about your journey validates my own growth and gives me a sense of renewed hope.
Chatkath
Thanks so much for taking the time. I am saddened to hear that you are one, amongst the many survivors that have encountered abuse in their life.
You are so right when you say, "Abuse is Abuse" it doesn't matter, what type; nonetheless it is very damaging.
Your words bring tears to my eyes when I think of how many people have shared their experience of abuse through their comments on this page.
Thanks so much for leaving such a beautifully written, heartfelt comment. Your words have touched me in more ways than one.
Hugs to your healing,
Sage
Thank for sharing your story. I feel for you as I have been in a similar position myself. when I came across this site and read your story and others like it I knew I no longer need to feel the shame of speaking about what happened to me. At the age of Fifty and after a life not worth living, I am determined to write about my experiences without shame. Thanks because you are an inspiration to people like me.
louiseelcross - Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. Sorry that it has taken me awhile to respond as I have not been on hub pages for some time.
Writing has always been a way to purge the madness for me. I am so glad that you are writing as well. I hear you loud and clear on the shame. It was by far one of the hardest obstacles to overcome. I like you, am in my fifties as well.
There must be something about 50!
Hugs to you, I pray that you will continue to speak and write. You owe it to yourself! Your life is worth living and your story will be told....
Sage
Sometime i wonder God must have a big heart ,How can He ignore such inhuman acts , why don't He show his powers, and if He can't do anything what we are waiting for , these crimes are increased and we still called our self human? Shame on us :(
sammyx360,
I'm not sure how to respond to your comment. Believe me, I hear you loud and clear! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
Sage
Excellent excellent excellent hub. You should be very proud of yourself for writing this.
I have experienced much of what you describe here, even down to certain words or incidents that trigger an emotional or mental response that you just don't want. Personally I suffered long term narcissistic abuse which is my main topic of writing here at Hubpages.
sparkster
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. I also know how it feels to read others writing and identify so well.
Thanks for sharing, your personal story. I am sorry that you have suffered long term narcissistic abuse. I too have been a victim of narcissistic abuse and am anxious to read your hubs. Abuse is abuse, no matter what form, it's always crazy making...
Sage
I am new on twitter and even newer on the hub pages .now I have found a place to share my pain and plead for help and support.My mission in life is to now do my part in exposing and trying to stop all the sexual abuse that is rampad .Thank you so much for sharing your story .It has given me courage to also share mine and together we can encourage others to do the same .My hub page just started and it is not to pro looking but it is a true story and it will take me awhile to get it all out .i have many pts syndroms and my life has suffered more then i ever knew but now ?i am committed to healing please folow me as well so that we can all work as a group to STOP SEXUAL ABUSE
shearasjustice
So sorry for my delay in responding I do not get to hub pages as frequently as I would like to these days.
Welcome to hub pages, I have found hubpages a very supportive environment to write about my healing. I do hope that you as well, will find peace here.
I am so glad that this hub has inspired you to tell your story. Remember, "Everything you need to heal lies within". I pray that you will continue to reach deep within yourself to draw from your well of inner strength and courage and to give voice to your pain. Welcome Home!
Hugs to your healing,
Sage
thank you so much sage but I was advised by hub staff that mt profile will e deleted necause it is too un professional looking and I dont think I have the knowledge to continue so I just want you to know i will continue to read the hubs but i will also twet my story follow me and be my friend ?
prettydarkhorse Level 2 Commenter 2 years ago
Oh I could feel for you, somehow, your strength and your capability to transcend into a survivor is a long and winding road, for sharing this alone is a big step for you, HUGS , very tight,